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Hermes Saved Me From Myself, And Now I Don't Know What To Do
TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD
This post touches on dark topics that may not be suitable for all viewers! Suicide, abuse, and rape will be discussed. If you aren't comfortable with such topics, I don't suggest reading further!
With all that out of the way, allow me to begin. I suffer from rather severe depression and anxiety - both, of which, are fueled by PTSD. To say the least, I've been through a lot in my life. I've experienced all four forms of abuse: sexual, emotional, verbal, and physical. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and have gone through multiple forms of therapy, even starting on medications. This all is important context for what's about to follow.
My most recent trauma involved an ex-boyfriend, whom I'll call B. B hardcore emotionally abuse me, manipulating me into sex and sucking me dry of every ounce of happiness that I had. Following the end of that relationship, Hermes reached out to me. The only reason I found out it was Hermes, though, was due to the dream interpretations of a good friend, and after mentioning Hermes to me, the signs got much more frequent, obvious, and intense, so I eventually reached back.
I've only been following Hermes for about three months now, but in that time, I delved more into Paganism and began following both Aphrodite, even branching out to the Norse pantheon to follow Loki (who had also been reaching out to me). Life seemed to improve, having something to believe in and follow. It felt like I at least had a purpose to each day, and things were great. They were great.
Life has never been kind to me, and the past few weeks have been no exception. I found out B was staying in-state, although I had been told he'd be leaving with his dad, and he even still works at the same place that's only a few minutes from my home. I'm in no position to move away right now, so to say this news deeply disturbed me is an understatement. I was petrified. I couldn't leave my room, let alone my own house, for days; I only left the house if I was or would be with someone else; I'd hug my knees to my chest and cry myself to sleep at night. I was an emotional wreck.
One night, though, I was visited by Aphrodite in a dream, and she reassured me that this was all a lesson. I now know the lesson was to show me how strong I was, how I didn't need to be afraid of B anymore. Once again, things stabilized. I turned my attention away from Hermes and showered Aphrodite with thanks. Unfortunately, though, that dream also told me that I had upset Hades, so, again, my attention was turned away from Hermes and to another deity. Even Loki, at this time, was earning my praise for aiding me with discovering my gender identity.
Hermes became pretty quiet, which I now realize I should've seen as a red flag. Previously, he'd been very active with me, even initiating conversation through dream or tarot, but suddenly, his interest seemed to be fading. Being the obvious fuck that I am, I didn't even notice. I was too preoccupied with other deities and life problems to even pick up on the change.
I'd give offerings to other deities and would tell them not to worry about giving me anything in exchange, saying that I wanted nothing but to please them. Oftentimes with Hermes, however, I'd ask for favors or for aid or for protection. I'd ask a lot of him but seemingly began giving very little. My attention was then stolen, not by other deities, but by problems and responsibilities. My friend had a spirit attached to her without permission; my job began giving me trouble with payments; my online friends created drama seemingly out of nowhere and expected me to solve it for them; my medications started losing effect; someone had even called B, and just hearing his voice again fucked my mental state entirely. Life was getting overwhelming, and I was starting to feel shitty again. I was started to feel depressed again.
One night, my suicidal thoughts came back with full force. I had lost my wallet, after having it on me the entire day and virtually having no way to have lost it. Honestly, it was my breaking point. I finally broke down. I finally surrender to my depression once again. The weight of the world crashed down on me all at once, and none of my usually effective coping skills were helping. I thought that would be the night I finally went through with it. That would be the night I killed myself.
I remember the whole experience as if it happened only moments ago. I was in tears, holding the knife in my hands and debating with myself if I should go through with it, when I suddenly had I feeling that I needed to turn to Hermes for help. The was sudden and random; I was reluctant to even consider it because it seemed like an inappropriate thing to approach him about, especially so spontaneously. The feeling, however, became overwhelming, so I opened my hands, facing my palms to the sky and setting the knife down, and closed my eyes in prayer. I was crying in between words, but the prayer went something like this: "Dear Hermes (I always start it out like a letter), I'm really sorry for bothering you, and I'm sorry if this is really inappropriate of me, but I really need your advice right now. I'm really struggling with something, and I had a feeling that I needed to come to you about it," I'll take a second to warn you about the bluntness of the question I had asked him, "Should I kill myself?" When I had first began my prayer, my hands had felt warm, as if someone had been holding them, but the very second that I asked that question, they heated up, and it felt like someone was squeezing them tightly. I remember that the somewhat fading energy of Hermes had grown suddenly vibrant and strong, like my question had genuinely concerned him and captured his attention, but I suppose that would capture anyone's attention, really.
I was struck with a sudden fatigue - one that made me feel like I'd passed out if I didn't lay down then and there. So, I put the knife aside and fell asleep. I wish I could tell you that I had some life-changing dream featuring Hermes himself comforting and reassuring me. I wish I could tell you that saw what my future held and why I should stay alive. I wish I could tell you that I saw Hermes in-person, or even just heard his voice, but I can't tell you that because nothing happened. I always remember my dreams, even if only slightly, but whatever dreams I had that night escape me entirely. For the life of me, I cannot remember what I dreamt about, but when I woke up, all of my sadness, all of my anxiety, all of my upset disappeared. There was no trace of the mental breakdown that I had only hours before, and the only evidence that it had happened at all was the knife by my bedside.
Unfortunately, though, the story doesn't end there. I felt better emotionally and mentally, but I had this sinking feeling that Hermes had pulled away from me. At that moment, I realized what an asshole I had been towards him. I realized how much I had probably disappointed and upset him; all of my attention had left him almost entirely, yet I had the audacity to come crying to him for help, begging him to answer such a weighty question that my life itself rested on his answer. So, filled with guilt and shame, I wrote him a letter. I thanked him for all of his help and for all of his patience and understanding. He was my first Pagan deity, and if it weren't for him, I'm not sure where I'd be right now, but instead of treating him with kindness and respect, instead of giving him mountains of handmade gifts as I did for my other deities, instead of reminding him how grateful I was for everything he'd done, I just neglected and ignored him. I treated him as if I didn't care about our relations whatsoever.
That letter, as you might expect, did very, very little to better my mental state. The struggles I had experienced from that night before came rushing back, hitting me harder than a steam train zooming down the tracks at full speed. I told Hermes that'd be my last letter to him. I told him that I was sorry and didn't want to bother him any longer. I did the same for my other deities, apologizing both for leaving so suddenly and for causing emotional upset for any of them. I felt more worthless than I had ever felt, and flashbacks from my most traumatic relationships punched me hard in the heart. I began thinking about everything my abusers had said about me - everything B had said about me - and their words no longer seemed like insecure projections of how they felt about themselves. Their words, once again, became facts about me, about my character, about my behaviors. I could only see myself as a malicious monster - something parents would hide their children from and even the bravest animals would cower away from. My soul felt hideous to me; I could imagine the darkness writhing and rotting inside of me spiritually as the gravity of the situation truly sunk in. I blocked my loved ones, turned off my notifications, and isolated myself entirely, even from my beloved pets.
Spiritually, I could feel the atmosphere of my room shift from somewhat quiet and calm to rather alert and active as I placed the letters on each deity's altar, but I was too consumed by my inner demons to care. I turned off my lights, grabbed my knife, and got ready for the mental debate I'd soon have with myself about the value of my life. I could feel the energy stirring around me but dismissed it as I curled up in my soft blanket. I could hear the buzzing of thoughts that my deities were desperately attempting to push into the forefront of my mind but focused only on my most morbid thoughts as I gripped my knife tightly in my hand. I could see faint lights and shadows dash frantically across my room, trying with all of their might to get my attention, but rationalized it as headlights and reflections from outside as I shut my eyes tight and prepared to take action.
I stopped, opening my eyes and looking down at my cut-free forearms. For whatever reason, I couldn't do it. I had every intention of ending my life that night, that very moment, but I couldn't bring myself to act. An overwhelming fatigue washed over me, like it had the night before, and, try as I might, I couldn't stay awake. So, again, I set my knife aside, pausing to stare at it for a brief moment before resting my suddenly exhausted mind and body.
It was another dreamless sleep, but in the early hours of the morning, I woke with a strong urge to write down whatever thoughts came to my mind. Having nothing better to do at four in the morning, I obliged and opened up a blank note page on my phone. Looking back now, I realize that these thoughts - that mostly came in complete sentences - were from the deities I followed, being Hermes, Aphrodite, and Loki, so to make it more understandable, I'll separate the dialogue while still keeping the order of things the same. Here's what was said to me:
Hermes - "Please come back; don't leave now! It's ok, kid! I know this is hard for you, but don't give up! You have to keep going, keep trying. You are not worthless! You made a few mistakes, but that's ok! Everybody makes mistakes! I forgive you; we all forgive you. You are forgiven! It's ok to come back; we understand. You can turn back; it's not too late. You're going to be ok."
Aphrodite - "There's so much you haven't experienced yet, and giving up now takes those things away from you. There's still a lot of hope for you!"
Hermes - "You have an ocean's worth of potential, and we want to be by your side while you're discovering that."
Loki - "It's ok to mess up and make mistakes, but you have to learn from them rather than let them hold you back. It's ok, and it's going to be ok!"
Aphrodite - "We forgive you. It's ok to come back to us! We welcome you with open arms!"
Hermes - "Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's really not as big of a deal as you're thinking it is."
Loki - "You can overcome this. You can find the strength within yourself to keep going. You are capable of pushing through this!"
Aphrodite - "We're here to support you. We believe in you!"
Hermes - "Please return to us. Please open communication again. Write us more letters; write me more letters! I want to hear from you. I want to work with you! You're a good follower! Everyone makes mistakes, especially their first time. Forgive yourself, and stay with me. Do it for me. Come back to me; it's ok to return! It's ok to make mistakes. Kas (my name), we care about you: I care about you."
Aphrodite - "We want what's best for you."
Hermes - "Thank you for listening. Please take these messages to heart! Think about what we've said. Think about what's been done. Forgive yourself because you are forgiven. It's ok; it's going to be ok. Please don't give up on yourself; don't give up on your future. Life has so much in store for you that you can't see ahead of you! There are great things waiting just around the corner! Please don't quit. Don't stop trying! It's ok to stumble, it's ok to trip, it's ok to fall even; just get back up! You always get back up! You're resilient and capable of getting back up, capable of continuing. You are worthy. You are important. It's ok! Life fucking sucks sometimes, but that doesn't mean you should give up on yourself and on your future! Please keep going. Don't kill yourself. Are you listening to me? Don't kill yourself. That's my answer to you. Don't kill yourself because you don't deserve to die. You have so much to live for! You have to keep going, Kas, because you have so much to live for! Your life has been so short and tragic, but there are great things waiting for you, and I want to help you reach them. I want to help you find yourself and better yourself and achieve your dreams! I want to work with you! I reached out to you for a reason! If you give up now, you're doing yourself a disservice. There's so much in store for you, so much I have in store for you! Please don't give up, Kas. I know how hard things are for you, but they really will get better, I promise. You can do this. I believe in you; we all believe in you! I support you, and I forgive you."
More was said, but it gets pretty repetitive and relates to things that are specific about my life, so I'm not entirely comfortable sharing it all. I think these are the most important parts to share, though.
Now, I'm here, typing up my experiences and trying to make sense of it all. I don't really know what to do. I feel better, but at the same time, there's a gnawing anxiety that's stirring inside of me that's making me second-guess all that has taken place. Do I pray and reach out? As silly as that question probably sounds, I'm just...unsure. I don't know what steps to take next, especially since I'm still fairly new to Paganism. Hermes definitely saved me from myself - not to take any credit away from Aphrodite and Loki - and I'm eternally grateful to him for that, but what do I do now? what is expected of me? Obviously, opening communication seems to be the desired action, but is that all I need to do? If you have any advice, I'm willing to listen, but I ask that you please don't be too judgemental; it's difficult for me to share religious experiences with others, but especially so when I've done something very wrong.
Thank you for reading all this; I know it's an essay. I hope that maybe my story helps or inspires someone else, and may you all be blessed. Have a great day, and thank you again. <3